we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
