You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
