I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize