Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
