There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
