u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
