My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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