Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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