oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
