Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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