Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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