I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
