we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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