god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
