The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
