he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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