closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
