Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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