I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
