I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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