im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
