btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
