I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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