I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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