make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
