Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
