Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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