My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize