I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
