I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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