I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
