What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
