I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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