but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Blood and glitter go together right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
