I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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