shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
