the condom got lost in my hair
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
