Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
