Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Can Purell be used as lube?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
