yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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