It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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