Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
