Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
