Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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