My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize