Pappa wants mamma naked
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
