I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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