already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Your penis caused this!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
