im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My ass is underappreciated
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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