So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
