I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
