Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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