i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
