break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
